5 things I wish I'd been told before I became full busted

5 things I wish I'd been told before I became full busted

In the not-well-controlled experiment of my life, one of many things I've discovered is that the difference between being 5'1 and about 7-and-half-stone, and 5'1 and about 10 stone includes a whole lotta extra boobs.


 Me in around 2006 vs me in 2019


For crazy hormonal reasons, though the overall size change happened slowly, the bust biggification happened in the space of a few months, which means there are STILL things that surprise me. I mean, I had 15 years of being a 34B/C - depending on the phases of the moon, sort of, and then these appeared from out of nowhere. And yet at no stage was I given an explanatory pamphlet!

If they did, here's 5 things I wish it included:

1) I lead a pretty sedentary lifestyle, preferring to reserve my limited energy for the more fun forms of physical exertion. So it was a while before I discovered that when you get an extra 2/3 cup sizes, and then develop a rhythm, YOUR BREASTS JOIN IN.

Going in opposite directions to each other, I might add.

I really could have done with knowing that in advance. Though on the upside, it's enhanced my appreciation of tassel-twirling no end.

If you don't know what this paragraph is about, you're too young to be on the site!

2) It's alarmingly common for people to feel like it's ok to comment on women's bodies anyway, but once you have larger breasts, hell, even people who clearly know better start making anxious waggly eyebrows at you and basically asking what's up with that.

3) Not only are comments more frequent, but so is spontaneous involuntary sizing. It's always a risk in the lingerie industry; my favourite time was probably when a retailer who had never met me informed me over the phone I was wearing the wrong bra size, because "breath mechanics". Honey, I'm a former brass band player, and what I can do with my breath mechanics is, I can give you hearing damage. Try not to tempt me.

Aaanyway, now I spend way too much time in meetings or at social stuff or even just posting a picture online where you can't see most of my bra, with someone telling me I am wearing the wrong size/am probably a 30G/need to fix the sizes available around what I should be wearing (the latter would logically mean that I should launch a line of bamboo loungewear with dropped crotches, but that's a fight for another day). So that's nice.

4) Caught in a rainstorm in Sheffield (of course), I discovered that larger breasts handily form a funnel with which you can channel quite enormous amounts of cold water down the inside of your clothes, thoroughly soaking the front of your dress. AWESOME. Admittedly, I haven't tested if the same is true if I don't have a bra on, mostly because it was flipping freezing and I have no urge to rinse and repeat.

5) Likewise, it turns out that a plunging cleavage is an amazing place to store unexpected things. Lunch, biscuits, Swarovski crystals, someone's house keys, the lost treasure of the Sierra Madrone... admittedly none of this is helped by my longstanding habit of storing phones, paperwork, cash and anything else I need close to hand in my bra.

Bodies; I wish they came with instruction manuals! And maybe also pockets.

If you want more busty tales of confusion, I recommend the rather brilliant Busty Girls Comics!


In this still from our Kickstarter video, I'm wearing a 32F bra that in NO WAY FITS, except it covers up enough to work for video. I just do it to annoy people :)