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Indelicate questions about delicates

Posted 26/05/2011 at 23:41 Comments

Warning; this article may also contain indelicate answers and a very real life approach to lingerie. If you prefer to pretend that lingerie is all pretty, delicate fantasy fun and frolics, and that I’m terribly feminine and respectable, I’d avoid it!

“I have one question about the Vargas dress actually (and girdles in general)… how do you go to the loo? Do you have to undo all the suspenders to get your knickers off? Not the most lady-like of questions, I know, but I thought you’d be the right person to ask :)

This question came from Lori, and as you know we’re always super classy, so I couldn’t resist answering it in public. Plus, we do actually get emailed about this fairly regularly!

I am not going to deny that going to the loo in girdles, suspenders or corselettes and stockings has its issues. But if you wear a jumpsuit, a catsuit, or one of those really grim seamfree elastic modern beige shapewear things, there are also practical problems, and yet I don’t see people talking about that. Possibly because they put a hole in the bottom of the latter, which I’ve always thought was a bit unpleasant.

Anyway, shortly after Lori emailed me, Karen at Joanna’s Wardrobe emailed me a picture taken By Nicole that happens to illustrate, in a very tasteful way, the simplest solution to this issue:

 

Don’t wear knickers.

Yes, we are using the word knickers, because we’re British, ta very much. This applies to briefs, shorties, panties, thongs, g-strings, whatever you like to wear or call them.

Pros: there are no issues with extra lines from them, going to the loo is super easy, there is slightly less laundry to do, and it’s marginally cheaper when you buy lingerie sets.

Cons: so, there’s a term we use when knickers come back from photoshoots where the model wasn’t well prepared enough and failed to bring along an easily photoshoppable out seamfree thong that matches their skintone . If you are a model; get one of these. Take it to every shoot. Get a matching strapless bra, and take that too. They are as essential as a pair of high heels that fit. Tyra is not wrong about this.

That term is “snail trails”.

And that’s as much as I want to say on that score I think. It really depends on your personal biology.

The other con is that you really do not want to be wearing an extremely short skirt as you can be prosecuted for public indecency if you fall over. Of course, some people will assume that no kickers is a comment on your sexual proclivities rather than the fact that you don’t want to spend hours of your life in the toilet faffing with suspender clips over the course of your lifetime. Some might say these people need to be educated by protests such as the slutwalk, others might say a short sharp shock would be more helpful, but only the former is legal (after the 50 millionth time some random strange man on the street decided that loud comments on my attire were acceptable, I checked).

Don’t wear seamed stockings

Pros: the difficult bit of having to unclip things, roll them up and then put it all back on again is getting the seams straight.

Cons: seams look great! And you can always get a friend to check.

 

Wriggle it, really quite a big bit.

This might take a little explaining, but basically, unless you have decided to wear a size smaller than is maybe advisable, its generally possible with garments that are mostly stretch net to wriggle your undergarments down without unclipping anything. And back again.

With suspender belts, especially the shorter ones, you can generally get your knickers down with lots less wriggling and much less fuss. With girdles, if you just undo the front two clips that can help lots, and they are obviously the easiest ones to do up again.

Pros: no worries about seams or stockings slipping, and if you like me have problems with your fine motor control, its marginally easier than the clips.

Cons: well, you have to be able to wiggle for a start, and it can be tricky. It won’t work if your girdle is genuine vintage or authentically vintage, as they have large none stretch panels. You can also end up with your knickers in a twist!

Put your knickers on over your suspenders

Or over the girdle or corselette or whatever you are wearing. You see my point, anyway.

Pros : so, so easy, no bother at all. Everyday stockings wearers do it all the time, we get emails from them about why we don’t show them this way on

Cons: Generally it looks TERRIBLE. And I’m pretty certain if you wear KMD then its because you like to look great from top to bottom. This is why we don’t do said photos, though occasionally you do find knickers that go on over garters and look OK. French knickers are great for this purpose, over a suspender, not so hot over a cincher or a corselette.

Last but not least:

Get a butler, Jeeves style.

This is my long term aim, as their role in life is to make things run simply and save you for personal and aesthetic embarrassment, though that might mean stopping me writing stuff like this. Obviously you need one who can dress women rather than men, but there are so many other things that a butler is good for. In the future, I also want a teleportation and a cybernetic body though, and you can probably file “butler” in with those plans :)

 

By popular demand, edited to add:

Pulling your knickers to the side. Pros – fairly easy to do, though I suspect its easier if you’re relatively slender, or maybe hovering. Yes, you know what I mean. Cons – for gods sake don’tlose your grip. Or your aim.

Tie side knickers. Pros - easy to take off. Cons – in my experience that means they won’t only come off when you want them too!

Lengthening all the straps so you can move stuff around easier. Pros – easier than taking the clips off the stockings, and makes any wriggling easier. Cons – well, the effectiveness really depends on how much tension you already had there and how much you need to get back in, and we don’t put them on many of our girdles. You also really need the metal clippy suspenders for this rather than the modern bra slider type affairs.

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